I last posted in March, there has been alot going on. For starters my car got repo'd, my brother went to work, then let go 2 months later, we moved again at the end of August, been one struggle after another. Sometimes I feel like giving up and walking away, but I know deep down that really won't solve much.
I am not happy with the way my life is but its hard to walk away. I sincerely do not know what I would do if I was not constantly struggling. I want to do so many things, but I often let other dictate/control what I do. I know many individuals around me really do not care about me, they have heard the same story over and over or just don't care at all. I do not expect ppl to care. Easier to close myself off to the world I guess that way.
I feel that others judge me. I feel like I am in a downward spiral and can not get up. I am fighting it from going totally down. Everything in my life is suffering, my health- can not afford medicines, cant afford food at times, my work production has also suffered, my spiritual life has also suffered tremendously, I have not been to church in a long time. Everytime I tried, the truck did not have gas, or it was too late to catch a ride, or I had to stay late to make up some time.
History tends to repeat itself. Lets see what my future will hold.
I cant do it much anymore. I really do not have the strength this time around.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
A wedding and some Thoughts.
I went to a wedding tonight of Aaron and Bethany, It was a beautiful wedding. Bride was beautiful and the groom was handsome. Very open and overall a nice wedding. I just felt weird attending it. I am not sure why. I just did. It will bother me until I understand why I felt like I was alone.
Good news is that we do not have to move as of yet.
I am still struggling with the issue of acceptance.
I have been pushing myself hard at work
I can not concentrate right now... as much as I want to. My thoughts are not coming out like I want them to. I guess I will figure it out.
Good news is that we do not have to move as of yet.
I am still struggling with the issue of acceptance.
I have been pushing myself hard at work
I can not concentrate right now... as much as I want to. My thoughts are not coming out like I want them to. I guess I will figure it out.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
saturday...........
I have finally gotten around to starting my blog. Many random thoughts run through my mind. First, as I write in here, it may or may not always sound pleasant, that is the reality of life. Secondly, I do not want to be judged, if you feel the need to do that, then please take me off your friends list. Lastly, I can be very blunt.
At the beginning of February when I saw one of my PCP, she told me I must get things under control or I will not live to see 45 years old. Scary considering I am going to be 38 years old this year. My weight over the last few months has fluctuated up and down. I am down to 275. I am not happy with that number, Ideally, I would like in total to lose 100 lbs. I have started to exercise when I am up to it. I have very tired to the point of no energy at times for the last few weeks. I have missed church and have not performed up to my own personal standards at work. I hope things will get better. I had my yearly Cancer CT scan this past Friday, had a reaction to the contrast. If it is clear, hopefully I won't have to do it anymore till I start having issues again. I will find out the results on Friday, what ever happens, happens. I will accept the results, be it good or bad.
Lately, I have been struggling with the feeling of not being "accepted" by others. I try to make those around me and that I know happy. I often do this at my own expense. At one time I wanted everyone to like me, from people at my church to co-workers; due to various and recent events I find myself at a crossroad of "not caring" if people like me. For a while, I wanted everyone's approval, that desire has decreased and only a few people I actually seek approval from and try to please.
Certain Events that took place in last few months of 2011, still linger in my mind. Various people, with and without intention said ALOT of hurtful things. These individuals also helped to a point as well. I have forgiven them and will just let God sort them out.
I feel that life has a lot to offer people. I feel that one must take opportunities if you have the chance. I want to get back on track with my life and be sincerely happy without faking it at times.
In reading my bible today, I saw a random verse that caught my attention, Psalms 119:50 "This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me." My understanding of this is that certain things will provide comfort in the most different situations. When one's seeks God's word, they are seeking answers, just a matter of understanding them. I often seek comfort in God's word, and he has shown me the way. I may not always be in church, but I believe God is there for me and hears. me.
Well, that is it for now. I need to go to bed and hope for a restful sleep. I know I have rambled on.......
At the beginning of February when I saw one of my PCP, she told me I must get things under control or I will not live to see 45 years old. Scary considering I am going to be 38 years old this year. My weight over the last few months has fluctuated up and down. I am down to 275. I am not happy with that number, Ideally, I would like in total to lose 100 lbs. I have started to exercise when I am up to it. I have very tired to the point of no energy at times for the last few weeks. I have missed church and have not performed up to my own personal standards at work. I hope things will get better. I had my yearly Cancer CT scan this past Friday, had a reaction to the contrast. If it is clear, hopefully I won't have to do it anymore till I start having issues again. I will find out the results on Friday, what ever happens, happens. I will accept the results, be it good or bad.
Lately, I have been struggling with the feeling of not being "accepted" by others. I try to make those around me and that I know happy. I often do this at my own expense. At one time I wanted everyone to like me, from people at my church to co-workers; due to various and recent events I find myself at a crossroad of "not caring" if people like me. For a while, I wanted everyone's approval, that desire has decreased and only a few people I actually seek approval from and try to please.
Certain Events that took place in last few months of 2011, still linger in my mind. Various people, with and without intention said ALOT of hurtful things. These individuals also helped to a point as well. I have forgiven them and will just let God sort them out.
I feel that life has a lot to offer people. I feel that one must take opportunities if you have the chance. I want to get back on track with my life and be sincerely happy without faking it at times.
In reading my bible today, I saw a random verse that caught my attention, Psalms 119:50 "This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me." My understanding of this is that certain things will provide comfort in the most different situations. When one's seeks God's word, they are seeking answers, just a matter of understanding them. I often seek comfort in God's word, and he has shown me the way. I may not always be in church, but I believe God is there for me and hears. me.
Well, that is it for now. I need to go to bed and hope for a restful sleep. I know I have rambled on.......
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